Character Defect #1B - Fear of People/Social Situations
If my character defect list could be three dimensional, this might not be second on the list. While it is certainly a major fear, it is not actually my second worst character defect. But I'm not ready to "go public" with that one yet. I have already written about it, to myself, and will post it when I have the courage to say it to the world. Or at least to the people who are reading these pages.
So... back to the matter at hand...
If my number one fear is Rejection, then it is makes sense that my fear of other people and social situations should be in the same realm. Therapists I have had (too many to mention) blame my people fears on a violent alcoholic father who was almost never around, at least sober; and my mother who loved me, but was cold and distant and rarely showed affection. I grew up without friends, always feeling inferior or self-conscious, and with almost no ability to strike up a friendship with a stranger. I could create work friendships, which came about out of convenience and necessity. But other relationships were non-existent.
I could be notorious for being the "Yes" RSVP who never showed up. It didn't matter whose party or wedding or event it was, I would promise to be there and be the guaranteed no show. I used to make up excuses. (The most outrageous was telling someone my car was stolen. Then I had to come up with a good excuse about how I had it back to drive to work on Monday.) Then it got to the point where people just expected not to see me. Why they kept inviting me, I don't know.
On those rare occasions when I did actually show up, I was never more than the 20 minute guest. I knew before I walked in the door exactly how long it would be until I left. I made sure my car (if driving) was in an easy escape position and that my coat was easy to grab. My first minutes would be spent scoping out the geography, and creating the best excuse for getting out. I would hope and pray for a bathroom near the front door, so I could pretend to be heading for the john, and then just slip out. The very worst situation was a backyard party, where escape meant leaving the patio, walking through or around the house, and then down a driveway, without being stopped by the host wondering why I was leaving so early. Again, the 20 minute rule.
The absolute perfect situation involved cats. I have a pretty severe allergy to cats. So, if the host had a cat, even if it was locked away, I could claim a terrible allergy attack coming on, make apologies and leave. Not only did I get out fast, but the host would feel bad. Bonus points!!
It wasn't like I had somewhere else to go. I was scared to death of having to talk to other people. And I was always careful not to get hammered in front of other people. That was reserved for being home alone.
The system wasn't perfect. As time went on, I realized I had nobody in my life. There was nobody I could call who could or would listen to my pain, and nobody to call if there was a brief moment of glee. Nobody to share the sudden second ticket to a show with. Nobody to even call and say "I can't believe who got voted off Project Runway". For a long time, I pretended not to care. Eventually I realized that the solitude I had created for myself had become an abyss of isolation and loneliness, and I didn't know how to escape.
I still live with this fear everyday. I'm starting to talk about it, and I'm finding out I'm not alone. I've been able to make friends and develop relationships with other people in the program. But I still haven't been able to venture out into civilian life. I go to some events now... some, not all. And while the voices in my head are still screaming the 20 minute rule to me, I manage to try and stay and be social. Still... I always notice the people who are first to leave. I'm rarely far behind. Progress, not perfection.
I hate this fear. It's one that I can't smile through, or pretend around and hope nobody sees. Everybody sees this one. It's an infuriating enigma. By trying so hard to be invisible, I become the most visible.
It sucks.
So... back to the matter at hand...
If my number one fear is Rejection, then it is makes sense that my fear of other people and social situations should be in the same realm. Therapists I have had (too many to mention) blame my people fears on a violent alcoholic father who was almost never around, at least sober; and my mother who loved me, but was cold and distant and rarely showed affection. I grew up without friends, always feeling inferior or self-conscious, and with almost no ability to strike up a friendship with a stranger. I could create work friendships, which came about out of convenience and necessity. But other relationships were non-existent.
I could be notorious for being the "Yes" RSVP who never showed up. It didn't matter whose party or wedding or event it was, I would promise to be there and be the guaranteed no show. I used to make up excuses. (The most outrageous was telling someone my car was stolen. Then I had to come up with a good excuse about how I had it back to drive to work on Monday.) Then it got to the point where people just expected not to see me. Why they kept inviting me, I don't know.
On those rare occasions when I did actually show up, I was never more than the 20 minute guest. I knew before I walked in the door exactly how long it would be until I left. I made sure my car (if driving) was in an easy escape position and that my coat was easy to grab. My first minutes would be spent scoping out the geography, and creating the best excuse for getting out. I would hope and pray for a bathroom near the front door, so I could pretend to be heading for the john, and then just slip out. The very worst situation was a backyard party, where escape meant leaving the patio, walking through or around the house, and then down a driveway, without being stopped by the host wondering why I was leaving so early. Again, the 20 minute rule.
The absolute perfect situation involved cats. I have a pretty severe allergy to cats. So, if the host had a cat, even if it was locked away, I could claim a terrible allergy attack coming on, make apologies and leave. Not only did I get out fast, but the host would feel bad. Bonus points!!
It wasn't like I had somewhere else to go. I was scared to death of having to talk to other people. And I was always careful not to get hammered in front of other people. That was reserved for being home alone.
The system wasn't perfect. As time went on, I realized I had nobody in my life. There was nobody I could call who could or would listen to my pain, and nobody to call if there was a brief moment of glee. Nobody to share the sudden second ticket to a show with. Nobody to even call and say "I can't believe who got voted off Project Runway". For a long time, I pretended not to care. Eventually I realized that the solitude I had created for myself had become an abyss of isolation and loneliness, and I didn't know how to escape.
I still live with this fear everyday. I'm starting to talk about it, and I'm finding out I'm not alone. I've been able to make friends and develop relationships with other people in the program. But I still haven't been able to venture out into civilian life. I go to some events now... some, not all. And while the voices in my head are still screaming the 20 minute rule to me, I manage to try and stay and be social. Still... I always notice the people who are first to leave. I'm rarely far behind. Progress, not perfection.
I hate this fear. It's one that I can't smile through, or pretend around and hope nobody sees. Everybody sees this one. It's an infuriating enigma. By trying so hard to be invisible, I become the most visible.
It sucks.
posted by Bill at
10:46 AM
1 Comments:
You are not alone. I'm in my 20s, in NYC, gay, and feel the exact same way. What program are referring to in this post? I'd be interested to learn more.
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