Roses Are Red, How Soon Til You're Dead?

Okay. I've long since passed the point where anything really surprises me anymore. Now I'm just amused.

This week, Hallmark unveiled a new line of greeting cards called "Journeys". These are cards for people who want to say something but don't know what. In my experience, those are the people who should just keep their mouths shut.

Anyway, this is an idea obviously conceived by and green-lighted by a couple of people who believe there's no reason to wait until people die to send sympathy cards when there's a market to be cultivated among the not dead yet.

There are cards for those with cancer that say don't give up hope. After all, the one thing a person needs to pull them through a cancer diagnosis and the battle facing them is a frilly Hallmark card. Think how many people could have been saved through the years if only they had gotten Hallmark inspiration instead of chemo.

There's a card for eating disorders that basically suggests thinking positive thoughts are better than barfing. Ironic, since the very idea makes one want to vomit.

For the clinically depressed there are cards encouraging one to look up, be happy, and work harder toward a brighter tomorrow. How fortunate that so many drug stores sell Hallmark cards just a few steps from the pharmacy department. People can now peruse the options while waiting for a Prozac prescription.

On the lighter side, there are even a couple of cards congratulating people on coming out, complete with full color rainbows. Who would have ever dreamed that the Gold Crown could find its way to America's queens. Still, somehow I doubt we'll be seeing reruns of Queer as Folk on the Hallmark Channel.

I long ago stopped buying Hallmark cards, opting for the much more creative, and usually dirtier, cards they sell in little shops in Greenwich Village. Obviously Hallmark recognizes that's a niche market that Omaha and Oklahoma City can't quite replicate, so they're going to try with their own version coming soon to a Rite Aid store near you.

What with stores full of cards for Grandparents Day, Adoption Day and Take Your Toaster To Work Day, the card companies have no choice but to dream up some new ideas instead of some new holidays. American Greetings had already come up with the Anti-Valentine card this year... an idea I like a lot. I think a card that says "I hope someone breaks your heart" still beats the hell out of one that says "Have a happy heart attack".