Excuse Me For Living

On behalf of all the unregistered peons of the world, I would like to thank the owners and proprietors of the planet and all the property thereon for allowing the rest of us to walk your precious streets and breathe your sacred air.

You know the people I'm talking about. The people who live in a special cloud, oblivious to all around them, functioning as though everyone else must find a detour.

For instance, there are the Sidewalk Standers... the group of six or eight who decide they must have their intense discussion of where to have dinner, what movie to see or who the Washington Monument is named after, in the middle of a narrow sidewalk instead of taking it off to the side or to the curb. It is the responsibility of the rest of the world to step around them or stop and wait for them to come to a consensus because, after all, they ARE the most important people on the block.

There are the Escalator Toppers. These people are a real joy. Let's step off the escalator and then just stop to either get our bearings, search our purse or wipe Junior's nose. Let's ignore the fact that other people are on the escalator behind us and will start to fall over each other. They are not relevant.

Similar in scope are the Elevator Blockers. It is far more important to push onto the elevator when it stops than to allow those already on to exit gracefully. Woe to those who had the audacity to actually be on the elevator in the first place.

Incredibly special are Subway Mother Superiors. These are the very regal people who get on the subway pushing a stroller the size of a Subaru. Once through the door, they simply stop, not only blocking any behind them from getting in, but guaranteeing people already on board in that area of the car will be unable to get out through that door. They assume the role of owner of the train, absolutely convinced that the $2 fare they paid give them imminent domain over one third of whatever car they are in.

Another transit favorite is the Bus Betty. This is the rider who has been waiting at the stop for 15 minutes. Only after she steps on board does she open her purse and start rummaging through it in search of her fare card. Everyone else can wait behind her. Everyone on board can just sit there as long as it takes. It didn't matter that she had all the time in the world to find her card before the bus got there. Her routine is more important than anyone else's convenience.

Parents who own the sidewalks set a fine example for their children as Curb Hogs. It is great to see adults with young children standing in the middle of a sloped curb cut, blocking the path of the old man or old lady with the walker, forcing them to either negotiate a high curb or wait in the street until the happy family moves across the intersection. Children must never be taught what that curb cut is actually meant for.

I also enjoy the Munch-Alongs. These are the people who have been standing in line at the fast fooderie behind six other people, but wait until they get to the counter to decide or discuss what they're having... now with six MORE people lined up behind them waiting. "I think I'll have the Quarter Pounder. No wait, the Double Cheeseburger. Make it a Value Meal. No, I think I really want McNuggets." Good God. It isn't like the Golden Arches has changed in 20 years. Since when did a McDonald's menu become an SAT test?

So, in conclusion, we lowly mortals humbly apologize to the rest of you for being so needy that we would actually expect some common sense and common courtesy from others who occupy the same planet and community as we do. We shall attempt to learn the error of our ways, and to avoid interefering with your personal quest of Supreme Assholedom.