Smello Pages

I subscribe to about half a dozen magazines. I'm not sure why. Only one of them is really worth the time or money. The others seemed like good ideas in the beginning. I think I've kept them so long because, as a reasonably intelligent, educated gay man working in the real world, I'm expected to subscribe to and read certain magazines. Too bad so many of them are crap.

I could actually deal with the crappy magazines, the repetitive news articles, the unimaginative features and the unrealistic fashion spreads. But I can't stand the insufferable perfume and cologne inserts that show up in at least one magazine weekly. Some magazines even show up with multiple smelly inserts. Have any of the geniuses who devise these campaigns ever actually smelled any of these cologne samples once they arrive? They all smell the same... like rotted fish shoved between the pages of glossy paper that sit in canvas bags for a few days.

Lovely.

I have not yet met anyone who actually either appreciates these foul smelling inserts, or has actually ever made a cologne decision based on them. They are grossl. In fact, even people I don't know do what I do... stand in the mail room of the apatment building, rip them out of the magazines as soon as they are taken from the mailboxes and toss them in the garbage can. Nobody actually takes them to their apartments for fear of smelling up the electric bill, the credit card bill or even the junk mail Chinese restaurant menu.

These stupid things are even worse than the nozzle ninjas who populate the department store aisles, spritzing people with cologne samples as they go by. At least one can dodge them, or fix them with a warning "Don't even think it" glare, to keep them at bay. These putrid magazine inserts attack without warning, attacking the senses in an unwanted assault, hidden within the copy of that weekly that you've overpaid dearly for.

The next magazine that comes due for renewal, I will let lapse. Then, when the phone call comes wondering why I haven't renewed, I will happily tell them... "Because your magazine stinks."

Literally.